I reduced myself before you.
I sucked in my stomach and puffed out my chest,
Seeking to be both small and strong.
I lay at your feet and cried
At my own unworthiness.
I raised my arm to the square
And demanded you notice me.
I ignored your harsh words,
Convinced they were only for my good.
I took on a new name
And thrust my hands in the air
While I begged you to hear the words of my mouth.
I listened, ever so carefully,
So sure that in the silence
I would find you.
I walled off entire sections of me,
separating them from the rest,
forgetting that they were there.
I held my breath
Until I forgot how to breathe.
then turned blue from the cold.
I tried anger, pain, depression, apathy.
I tried being a martyr.
I gave two years. Ten. Twenty.
I placed a ring on my finger
And made promises I couldn’t possibly keep.
And as the years passed,
I slowly, ever so slowly,
Becoming the skeleton of myself
That you expected all along.
And then one day,
The sun hit my skin just right,
And I realized,
That you were there all along
For you were never there to begin with.