Self-Checkout Hell


Thank you for using the self-automated check-out at your local grocery store!

To begin, please scan your 1-2-3 shopper’s reward card or enter your alternate id.

You have chosen to enter your alternate id. Please do so on the keypad on the right.

I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that number. Please try again.

I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that number. Please try again.

There you go! Welcome, valued customer! Please scan your first item and place it in the bagging area.

Did you place the item in the bagging area?

Please place the item in the bagging area.

Thank you. Please remove the item from the bagging area.

Thank you. Please place the item in the bagging area.

Now scan your next item and place it in the bagging area.

Thank you. Do you have any other items to scan?

No bar code detected. Please place the item on the scale and enter the corresponding ID number.

Thank you. ID number received. ID number accurate. Customer service associate has been notified to assist you.

Customer service associate has entered the same ID number you did. You may now proceed.

Please place the item in the bagging area.

Thank you. Please remove the item from the bagging area.

Thank you. Please place the item in the bagging area.

Do you have any other items to scan?

Please enter yes or no.

You entered no.

If you are prepared to proceed to check-out, please indicate so by pressing the corresponding button.

Do you bring in your own bags, or would you like to purchase bags from us?

You indicate you brought in your own bags. I think you’re lying.

Customer service associate has been notified to assist you.

Customer service associate has verified that you brought in your own bags.

I’m sorry for accusing you of lying. It’s been a hard day. I see all kinds of people. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.

Do you have any coupons? Please indicate.

You indicated you do not have any coupons. Are you sure? I could notify the customer service associate to assist you if you like. Just kidding.

It looks like you are ready to pay now. Please indicate your method of payment.

You indicated you are using a card. Is this a debit or credit card?

You indicated you are using a debit card. Is that correct? Please indicate so on the keypad.

Okay, debit card. Please swipe your card to the right.

I see you swiped your card. Now please push the debit card button again.

Now please enter your pin number.

Now please enter your pin number again for verification.

Now please enter your card sideways into the chip reader.

Thank you. Now please wait several seconds.

Card has been verified. Now please verify your zip code.

That is the incorrect zip code. Please try again.

Thank you. Now please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number.

Thank you. Now please enter your blood type.

That is incorrect. Aren’t you O negative?

Yes, that’s better. Now please indicate if this is the correct amount on the screen.

Do you want any cashback?

You indicated no, is that correct?

Do you want to donate money to the local children’s hospital?

You indicated no, is that correct?

Are you sure? I saw how much you have in your bank account. You can afford at least one dollar. If everyone pitched in one dollar, we could change the world.

You still indicated no, is that correct?

Last chance. Still no?

Okay. But I would like to remind you about karma.

Okay, it looks like we are ready to proceed. Please check your cart to make sure there are no more items. Please indicate so.

You indicated no.

Customer service associate has been notified to assist you.

Customer service associate has indicated that you do not have any additional items in your cart.

Thank you for your honesty. You are a good person even if you don’t donate to children’s hospitals.

Okay, valued customer! You are all ready to check-out! Please take your bags and receipt, and put your cart back where it goes, and drive safely.

I hope the 25 minutes that we spent together were as wonderful for you as they were for me! I hope you have the most wonderful day!

Sir? Sir, why are you cursing?


Are you there?



Knowing that I would be famished when I finished my workout, I took three dollars into the gym with me, leaving the rest of my belongings securely locked in my car.I hadn’t been to the gym in several days due to work, so I had planned in advance to hit this workout hard, and I hadn’t eaten in six hours, a thick turkey sandwich at lunchtime.

I hit shoulders first, working them to fatigue, then core, then back and triceps, finishing tired. After 30 minutes of stair-climbing at the end, I was ravenous. I walked over to the small protein bar selection at the gym and grabbed something with peanut butter and 30 grams of protein, then waited in line.

About 90 seconds later, I handed the bar and my three dollars to the attendant. “Hey, how was the workout?” he asked.

“It went great. I’m starving now.”

The guy took several seconds to line the red line up with the bar code on the protein bar. “Okay, looks like that will be $3.21. You got 21 cents?”

I looked back behind me at the box. “It says that bar is $2.75.”

“Hmmm… Looks like the computer says it is $3. Plus tax, of course. The label on the product must be wrong.”

“Can you spot me 21 cents?”

“No, sorry, man. Do you have more cash?”

“I’m parked ¬†2 blocks away.” I sighed, grumpy, getting hangry now, and returned to bar to the box. I grabbed a different bar from the same shelf, also labelled $2.75, and turned back around to find a line of three people in front of me.

Over the next four minutes, I was fuming, tempted to rip into the bar and just eat it. A woman had questions about membership, a man needed to check the lost-and-found box, and another man needed to rent some equipment. Finally, it was my turn again.

“Choose a cheaper bar?” he asked, nonchalant. He tried scanning the bar under the little red light, but it wouldn’t take. He tried a second time, a third time. He straightened out the wrapper and tried again, flipped it over, tapped the machine with his hand. “Hmm. The scanner doesn’t seem to be reading this. I can call for help or you can choose another bar.”

I looked at the two people in line behind me and pictured doing this all again. Instead I smiled on the outside, while snarling on the inside, and said, “No, thank you”, and stormed out.

My stomach moaned in hunger and my muscles ached as I drove the two blocks to the grocery store down the road, parked, and marched into the service deli. Two women stood a few feet away, talking and laughing about something. I waited several seconds before I smiled and waved. “Hi, can I order?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there!” One of the women walked over, smiling. “How can I help?”

“I would like your two-piece chicken meal, please, with potato salad and cole slaw.”

“Oh, the two-piece. How nice. I haven’t sold one of those in hours. Which kind of chicken would you like?” She stood there, with her hands folded.

“Um, I don’t care. The barbecue.”

“Well, we usually have to warm that up, it takes about three minutes.”

“The baked, then.”

“We have to warm that one–”

“The fried. Whatever is fastest.”

“Okay, I’ll get you the fried.”

The woman carefully put on her gloves and took several seconds to inspect the different pieces of fried chicken, carefully selecting two for me. The she looked confused, bent down to check under the counter, turned around to check some shelves, walked away into the kitchen then back out. “Fran, have you seen the two-piece dishes?” But Fran was slicing some cheese and didn’t hear her.

The woman took out a small plastic plate and set the two pieces of chicken on them, then went back into the kitchen for a spoon to use on the cole slaw. “Which kind of cole slaw would you like?”

“I really don’t care. I’m just in a hurry.” My stomach was grumbling and I was getting grumpier by the second.

She took a spoon of the slaw and placed it on the plate, then stepped back to consider. “Oh, that won’t work. The salad will get all over the chicken.” I sighed as she got a small plastic bowl and transferred the slaw to it, then she placed the bowl on the plate. “Well, that’s better, but there is still a mess. Let’s see.” She was talking to herself. She got out a new plate and put the bowl of slaw and the chicken on it, then went back to the kitchen for another spoon.

“What kind of potato salad would you like?”

“Surprise me.” I said it sharply and she got a wounded look on her face as she scooped the salad into another bowl then set it next to the slaw on the plate. She surveyed it for a moment, placed a roll there, then looked back to me.

“Do you want a plastic cover on your plate, or foil?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, forcing a grin.

The woman began looked around again. “Fran, have you seen the foil?”

Fran heard this time and began looking around at another shelf. “Well, I don’t see the foil, but I do see the two-piece dishes here.”

“Oh, perfect!” The woman was excited as she grabbed a plastic try with three different compartments. She set it next to the plate and began to transfer the chicken and salads over, taking time to scoop the salads out of the bowls and into the different compartments.

It had now been five full minutes and there was a small line of people around me. I clenched my teeth. “Look, I really don’t care how the food is served. I just need food. And there is a line behind me.” I spoke slightly ¬†more sharply than I had intended.

The woman got a hurt look on her face. “I’m so sorry we are taking so long. We weren’t expecting this order and I didn’t have things ready like I should.”

I apologized, but grew even more angry as the two women, ignoring the line behind me, went on a search for the lids for the two-piece dishes, then took a full three minutes to print out the pricing label. I was clenching and unclenching my muscles when she finally handed the order to me. The label was voided out, and the word ‘FREE’ was written on it.

“It’s on us, since we made you wait so long.”

I had no capacity for compassion at the moment, so I simply smiled, grabbed the food, said thanks and headed out the door, tossing the lid and devouring the chicken on my way to the car.

I would have to go back another day and order there again, giving a tip. But I’d make sure to do it when I wasn’t so hangry.