Month: March 2020

Corona 2: the Lonely

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The news seems to get more intense every three hours. I woke up to news that the gyms were closed. And as I prepared to adapt to the kids doing school from home, the news came out that certain cities in the United States are on complete lockdown. I continue seeing clients (from a distance or on video chat), and I’m hearing reports about grocery stores only letting 25 people in at a time, and small business worried about being shut down and being unable to last. It is downright frightening.

But most of my heart goes out to the lonely. Everyone on this planet has struggles and problems. Those problems existed the day before all of this happened, and they were intensified by the news of social distancing and the impact on the planet.

Some problems are frustrations but ultimately of little impact. People had to cancel vacations, alter plans, or temporarily withdrawn from budding relationships. Others are growing stir-crazy or don’t like the people they live with. These issues can certainly get worse.

When I begin feeling isolated, I take time to visualize the elderly living alone. People isolated in tiny cruise ship rooms and unable to leave due to quarantine. Men and women told to stay in their prison cells. This affects all of us.

Then there are those with more extreme struggles. The woman struggling with the cancer diagnosis. The man who just found out his wife has been cheating on him. The woman taking care of her elderly mother. The man wrestling with deep and abiding chronic pain. The child that feels unsafe in her own home. The woman ready to give birth any day. The man who was already struggling with crippling depression and suicidal thoughts. The woman who just lost a son tragically in a car accident one week ago. The man facing bankruptcy.

Each and every human is going to struggle with isolation and depression in some measure over the coming weeks. This is going to shift routines and impact financial wellness. Travel and social gatherings are restricted. People will be working from home. And for many, depression is going to be a harsh reality.

For those who are going to struggle, let me offer two major pieces of advice, one that should feel like a big hug, and one that should feel like a small but swift kick.

First, sadness is normal in times like these. Struggle is real and you are not alone in that struggle, nor are you fully responsible. It just is what is. It’s painful, and isolation can further depression, and it can open up old wounds, the parts of us that ache from long ago. It’s okay to grieve, to hurt, to feel that pain. It’s okay to ask for help as you move through this. It’s okay to struggle to find the light sometimes. But the light is there. Routine and consistency are going to be crucial during this time of struggle. Find the good things and hold on to them tightly. So many people out there are wiling to be there for you. Depression is a real force, as is loneliness.

Second, you have to be responsible for you. Your pain is internal and asking for help during this time is going to be crucial. You are responsible for your decisions. Drinking yourself to sleep, numbing your pain with drugs, locking yourself inside and never venturing outward–these things are guaranteed to make the pain worse. You have to take responsibility and work to better your situation. The food you eat, the way you exercise, the people you associate with, and how you spend your time are things that are in your control. Be there for yourself, be there for others, and then appreciate when others are there for you as well.

Loneliness is real. And it is a sign of depression. Think of those people in your life who need you, a little extra love and support. Arrange check-ins and phone calls. Help when you can in what ways you can. I believe it is in times of pain and struggle that the best of humanity can show up. The ways we reach out to each other, and to this struggling planet, during these times, can make all the difference in the world for someone. And do this every day. Being there for others makes us less lonely, and it helps them as well.

And as far as those personal struggles you are wrestling with, well, things don’t change overnight, but they do change incrementally a little at a time. Practice healthy habits, now more than ever.

We need each other. You aren’t alone, even when physically alone. I’m here. We’re all here. And we are all going through this together.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don’t be afraid of the dark. 

At the end of the storm is a golden sky, and the sweet silver song of a lark. 

Walk on through the storm, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown. 

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart, and you’ll never walk alone. 

You’ll never walk alone. 

Corona 1: the Anxious

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The world has gone a little crazy this week. The slow build in the news about the Corona Virus taking place over the last few months felt remote. Foreign. It was a thing that other countries were going through. It was a news article I paid attention to with interest, but casual interest, figuring it wouldn’t impact me all that much. It felt like political news, or news of Australian and Amazon wildfires. And then it started hitting the news more locally, like Seattle and New York City.

And then, four days ago, it exploded. There was an onrush of news about flights and vacations being cancelled, major events like South by Southwest and March Madness being delayed or shut down, and theme parks closing. And within hours, it spread to school closures and local venues (like the swimming pool I frequent) being closed.

A myriad of emotions have set in since then. In me, in my children, in my family and loved ones, and in the general public. The world suddenly feels like a very small place. News feels familiar instead of foreign when I realize we are experiencing in Salt Lake City what they are experiencing in Seoul and Wuhan and Florence. It is a big world full of people, and we are much more the same than we are different.

This morning, I stopped by a coffee shop that I frequent. I go to this place twice a week. I know the baristas by name. I can sit there for hours and read and write. Today, everything was different. It was like an alternate reality. I walked in to see the tables empty of chairs (to enforce social distancing) and the chairs empty of people. I walked up to the counter, and the barista seemed nervous about handing me my coffee. She was anxious about taking my card to pay for the coffee, and sprayed down the counter and area with a sanitized rag, then she immediately washed her hands. It seemed physically painful for her to be there. It was… sad.

Last week, after school got cancelled, I had to sit down with my sons and talk to them about the realities about to face us. They won’t be seeing their friends at school. They wouldn’t even be going back on Monday. They might be out for days, or weeks, or the rest of the school year. I needed them to understand the seriousness of all of this, while at the same time helping them stay calm. I tried to implement a balance of social responsibility while assuring them that everything is going to be fine. I want them to be careful and realistic, but also optimistic and playful. It’s a delicate space to dwell in. This is hard for me to understand at 41; it’s an entire reality shift for them at ages 8 and 11.

But I think it is important for all of us to find that balance. There has to be a healthy space between socially responsible and mentally well. We humans are social creatures. We swarm to restaurants, movie theaters, bars, and concerts. We thrive on game nights, house parties, and social ventures. (Well, many of us do). To be suddenly removed from all of that, and left to our own support systems, it strikes up a deep and primal fear for many. We are worried about our medically vulnerable loved ones. We are worried about our food supply. We are worried about our ability to pay our bills if there isn’t consistent pay or work coming in. We are worried about being exposed to the virus. And we are worried because many other people don’t seem worried at all.

I think we need to be careful to let that worry have its place. But we can’t let it go too far. Worry should spark us toward social responsibility, not toward paranoia. I’m avoiding shaking hands with others, and hugging anyone but my family. But I’m still happy to see friends in small gathering, to visit local businesses for fast transactions. I’m still exercising, eating healthy, and seeing clients (though some in remote sessions), while frequently washing my hands and wiping down surfaces. Social distancing does not mean self-quarantining.

When I’m working with clients who have anxiety, I reassure them frequently with the Serenity Prayer (though many of them just ignore the God part). ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’ It applies here. We need to be responsible for ourselves and our activities. We need to listen to the medical professionals. We need to take care of ourselves and our families. But delving into panic, into hoarding goods, into catastrophizing and making things out to be tougher than they actually are, well, those things don’t help.

The number one tool in combating anxiety is BREATH. Breath and mindfulness. Slow, measured breathing when things feel impossible. Careful consistent planning. Long walks in the sunlight. Drinking water. Moving our bodies. Staying connected with friends. Working on projects. Staying task-oriented. Setting new routines.

The truth is, there is a lot up in the air. We don’t know what headlines will hit the news tomorrow and inspire a fresh wave of nervousness. But delving into the anxiety too far is not going to change things. This is a difficult time, and we will need to support each other through it.

When I break anxiety apart, I find fear and sadness underneath. This is a time that is scary and difficult. And it has to be experienced just a few hours at a time. That is what we have control over. A few hours at a time, leading up to a day at a time.

Take a deep breath. We are all going through this together.