Spirit 5: Chastity

Sex was always the most taboo of subjects growing up. It was forbidden to even talk about it. The only understanding I had about sex at all growing up was in accordance to the rules around it. The older I got, the more those rules stood out, but it was always about the rules.

I knew sex was to be saved for marriage. I knew that babies should only be born to married couples. And I knew that families meant fathers and mothers and kids; there were simply no other alternatives. Men held the Priesthood and were to provide for their families. Women were to be in the home and raising children. That was simply the way of things.

I learned about masturbation at the age of 12. The bishop asked me if I followed the law of chastity and I asked what that was. He then asked me if I masturbated, and I asked what that was. And then he told me. But it turned out that I already knew. An older sibling had molested me when I was younger, had had me do that very thing to him. Lots of times. It had never occurred to me to try that for myself. After the bishop told me, I went home and tried it. And, god, was it amazing… but the release was accompanied by a deep and abiding shame and nausea. God was disappointed in me.

Between the ages of 12 and 18, almost every conversation at church for my age group seemed to revolve around chastity and morality. I couldn’t have even defined the words, but they were part of every conversation. And every conversation was about the rules. Never be alone with the opposite sex. Kissing was fine, but it must be chaste. Only date other Mormons, and then only in groups. Women should be modest. When dancing, it was always best to keep space between the two people. No dating until 16. No “heavy petting”, no “dry-humping”, no removal of clothing, and definitely no intercourse. Pregnancy before marriage was the ultimate shame, except for homosexuality itself. And definitely, definitely no viewing of pornography. Porn was talked about almost more than anything else. “One single image of pornography will seer itself into your brain forever and ever and will never leave. Even one second, and you are permanently tainted.”

Strangely, there was no sex education. There was no talk about consent, or avoiding disease, or self-defense, or a sharing of statistics about the rates of sexual violence. Only those same lines, over and over again. Modesty. Chastity. Purity. Repentance. Sexual six was among the greatest of sins.

As a teenager, I was a part of groups that received lessons about spirituality. The men were told repeatedly to avoid temptation. And the women were told that their virtue was their single greatest asset. They must save themselves for their husbands. If there was a plate full of un-chewed gum, and one single chewed piece, everyone would take the un-chewed pieces. If a girl wanted a good husband, a worthy priesthood holder, she should never let herself be, well, pre-chewed. Damaged goods worth less than the other pieces.

I turned 12 in 1990. In the following 7 years, I was given multiple books that preached against the evils of sexual sin. I was told constantly, almost obsessively, that I needed to avoid being alone with women, avoid pornography, avoid masturbation. If I was good and faithful, as a priesthood holder and as a missionary, a beautiful wife would be my reward. The prophets grew bizarrely specific at times. They said that singing hymns in your head constantly was one way to keep your thoughts pure. They said that having wet dreams was normal, but touching yourself was not. One prophet suggested tying your hands to your headboard at night to keep from touching yourself. (I tried it once). They emphasized that all sins could be forgiven, but sexual sins carried greater consequences.

And the words they used to describe me, a boy who was attracted to other boys, were harsh. They called homosexuality aberrant, a crime against nature, the sin next to murder, a perversion, an abomination. I was evil, sheer evil, just for being different, and I could never, never act on that sin.

As I grew older, I began to realize how obsessed with sex the Mormon church seemed to be. The founders of the Mormon church bartered for wives. The first leaders had them by the dozens. The gave counsel to the women to submit to their husbands, to follow the commands of god. They wanted to not only acquire women, but to control them, to obtain and rule over them. Seventy year old men with 30 wives, some also 70 years old, kept marrying young women, ages 22 and 19 and 15. They possessed them. They at times promised destruction by the swords of angels if these women didn’t submit.

But it started long before then. Men in the old testament were granted concubines, harems, and handmaids to do their bidding. Jesus himself was born to a virgin. The bible obsesses with sex like all the rest.

Heavenly father, or god, was to be revered and praised and worshiped. Heavenly mothers, all the millions of them, should never be discussed or mentioned. Women belonged behind their husbands, in clean organized lines. Male children got to become like their fathers, female children like their mothers. Save yourselves for your husbands, then belong to them forever.

In recent years, these topics are finally being talked about, and outrage continues. The issues are still there. The rules are still in place. Just a few days ago, the current prophet gave a speech about how he can’t apologize for these words as they are commands by god. Homosexuality remains forbidden; gay young men and women are meant to be celibate to be right before god. Abortion is forbidden. Sex education and consent and pregnancy prevention topics are still frowned upon. And the abuses of men in power, in the Mormon religion and others, are being exposed, with the reaction being those of outrage and deep pain.

Statistics are showing that 1 in every 4 women (some statistics say 1 in 3) are subjected to sexual molestation or violence at some point in their lives, and almost always, almost universally, by men. And it is 1 in every 6 for men, also hurt by other men. And these statistics increase in societies that are highly religious. And Utah is very, very religious. I could comment a lot about other societies out there that have strict sexual purity or morality laws. Issues like rape, genital mutilation of women, the killing of “sexually impure women” and homosexuals, and domestic violence are part of the very foundation of these societies.

The world is slowly, slowly changing, slowly beginning to understand, that protecting children doesn’t mean protecting the religious definitions of virtue and chastity, but instead focuses on fair health care, education of women and girls, sex education, conversations about consent, etc. The world is getting there. But far too many are being hurt.

I am one of seven in my family. There are two boys and five girls. I’m gay. I also have a gay sister. So far as I know, I’m the only one of we seven who was sexually abused. Despite being so different, so damaged, so tainted, I held tightly to the sexual purity laws implemented on me. I did my best as a teenager to avoid pornography and masturbation, I considered sexual sin to be horrible in god’s eyes, I even avoided being attracted to others. I felt impure just for existing. I never kissed a woman until I was 27, and I never kissed a man until I was 32. I felt divided, at war with myself, for all that time.

But since then? Since leaving it all behind? I am a sexually active male, and sex is incredible. I don’t follow any of the church’s rules any longer, and I don’t judge others for doing so. I still focus on morality, on clean ethics, but by entirely different definitions. Consent, communication, fair treatment, kindness, love, consideration, education, equality.

I have a new religion. And it has nothing to do with keeping women and homosexuals in their place with strict rules. Instead, it creates entirely new seats at the table. It understands history, learns from it, and seeks to change the future. A future where we are outraged not by whether or not women are “pure” until marriage; instead we are outraged by child abuse, by rape, by societies being subjugated, and we are outraged by the men who are causing the harm.

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