“You’re the villain in my story.”
You said this with derision
With a gnashing of teeth
And a wringing of hands
And exasperated wails
Memories of everything we’ve shared
Replaced
Tossed into a bag labelled “PAIN!”
And selectively viewed from behind
Only the darkest of glasses.
And after you finished
Listing my sins
You finally looked at me
I saw you there
You seemed wounded
But also
Smallhurtpatheticshallowmean
Incomplete
Like you were still rooted
Fixed tightly
In the past.
I responded with a list of facts
Rebuttals
Keeping it clinical at first
Until I started to shake
And then the tears
Big crocodile tears
(Why crocodile? Named such
For their size?
Or for their sharp teeth?)
And then the gasps for oxygen
The tight shaking stomach
My spoken words coming out
Jagged, with too many syllables.
“You-have-no-idea-
what-it-is-to-come-out-
to-lose-everything-
to-start-over-
to-change-every-relationship-
to-redefine-yourself-
my-mother-my-sisters-my-nephews-
my-sons-my-friends-my-clients-
my-home-my-job-my-marriage-
my-God!”
And then I looked back at you
With my hands clutched
Protectively
Around my center space
And my eyes went cold.
“Make me a villain if you must
If you need someone to blame
To shame
To toss aside
To justify your pain
Make me the villain
And never change
Never forgive
But if I must be your villain
I will be the very best kind of villain
With complex motivations
Contradictions of character
With love and ego and worth
And triumph
And progress
And strength.
“You can see me forever standing there
Twirling my moustache
Cackling ‘Muhahahahahaha!’
Over the melodramatic organ
As the train barrells down on you
At top speed
And you, the damsel
Tied down and only able to call out
‘Help me! Save me!’
Do this if you must
But recognize,
When you are ready
That there is no train
And I have no moustache
And there are no ropes.
It’s just you there
Lying down on the tracks
Screaming for help
And never looking up to realize
That I haven’t been standing there
For years.”
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