Self-Checkout Hell

Selfcheckout

Thank you for using the self-automated check-out at your local grocery store!

To begin, please scan your 1-2-3 shopper’s reward card or enter your alternate id.

You have chosen to enter your alternate id. Please do so on the keypad on the right.

I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that number. Please try again.

I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that number. Please try again.

There you go! Welcome, valued customer! Please scan your first item and place it in the bagging area.

Did you place the item in the bagging area?

Please place the item in the bagging area.

Thank you. Please remove the item from the bagging area.

Thank you. Please place the item in the bagging area.

Now scan your next item and place it in the bagging area.

Thank you. Do you have any other items to scan?

No bar code detected. Please place the item on the scale and enter the corresponding ID number.

Thank you. ID number received. ID number accurate. Customer service associate has been notified to assist you.

Customer service associate has entered the same ID number you did. You may now proceed.

Please place the item in the bagging area.

Thank you. Please remove the item from the bagging area.

Thank you. Please place the item in the bagging area.

Do you have any other items to scan?

Please enter yes or no.

You entered no.

If you are prepared to proceed to check-out, please indicate so by pressing the corresponding button.

Do you bring in your own bags, or would you like to purchase bags from us?

You indicate you brought in your own bags. I think you’re lying.

Customer service associate has been notified to assist you.

Customer service associate has verified that you brought in your own bags.

I’m sorry for accusing you of lying. It’s been a hard day. I see all kinds of people. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.

Do you have any coupons? Please indicate.

You indicated you do not have any coupons. Are you sure? I could notify the customer service associate to assist you if you like. Just kidding.

It looks like you are ready to pay now. Please indicate your method of payment.

You indicated you are using a card. Is this a debit or credit card?

You indicated you are using a debit card. Is that correct? Please indicate so on the keypad.

Okay, debit card. Please swipe your card to the right.

I see you swiped your card. Now please push the debit card button again.

Now please enter your pin number.

Now please enter your pin number again for verification.

Now please enter your card sideways into the chip reader.

Thank you. Now please wait several seconds.

Card has been verified. Now please verify your zip code.

That is the incorrect zip code. Please try again.

Thank you. Now please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number.

Thank you. Now please enter your blood type.

That is incorrect. Aren’t you O negative?

Yes, that’s better. Now please indicate if this is the correct amount on the screen.

Do you want any cashback?

You indicated no, is that correct?

Do you want to donate money to the local children’s hospital?

You indicated no, is that correct?

Are you sure? I saw how much you have in your bank account. You can afford at least one dollar. If everyone pitched in one dollar, we could change the world.

You still indicated no, is that correct?

Last chance. Still no?

Okay. But I would like to remind you about karma.

Okay, it looks like we are ready to proceed. Please check your cart to make sure there are no more items. Please indicate so.

You indicated no.

Customer service associate has been notified to assist you.

Customer service associate has indicated that you do not have any additional items in your cart.

Thank you for your honesty. You are a good person even if you don’t donate to children’s hospitals.

Okay, valued customer! You are all ready to check-out! Please take your bags and receipt, and put your cart back where it goes, and drive safely.

I hope the 25 minutes that we spent together were as wonderful for you as they were for me! I hope you have the most wonderful day!

Sir? Sir, why are you cursing?

Sir?

Are you there?

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