December, 2001

The show was a big success! As I walk my date, Erica, across the parking lot to her apartment, she tells me how much she enjoyed watching me in the production, and thanks me for inviting her. It felt great having a beautiful girl there watching me. It felt good to show off to the other cast members and to my roommates that I could date a beautiful girl. Before the play, we’d had a fun dinner at my house and played some games with my roommate and his date. And this is actually the fourth date I’ve been on with Erica. She’s an amazing girl. Talented, plays the violin, has a beautiful voice, and has a solid testimony. She even took me to meet her family over the Thanksgiving break, and they were wonderful people. I can tell she really likes me, and I like her back. I feel like we’ve really got something here.

Plays and productions are a really big deal in Rexburg, Idaho. BYU-I prides itself on talent and on stellar performances, and I’ve carved a niche for myself in it the last few years. Despite an extreme lack of self-confidence, I have become a talented actor, singer, and even comedian in a number of productions. I’ve made a lot of friends and have had some recognition, including my picture in the paper a few times. It feels great to be special. I’ve done a lot of story-telling to live audiences, both on and off campus, like I did tonight. I’ve performed with the choir in general conference, and got to participate in a beautiful cantata that we spent countless hours preparing for. I’ve been in plays and sung solos for live audiences, and I’ve had great feedback and reviews. I even formed an a capella group and we sang live and for groups of beautiful girls.

On top of all of that, I’ve worked hard at staying out of debt through college. Loans have taken care of tuition and books, but I have paid for all my food, housing, and insurance with paychecks. When money has gotten tight, I’ve donated plasma to get extra cash. I’ve been a stellar student, active and organized, and I’ve flown through school with a high GPA, enjoying each of my classes.

All that said, though, I’ve become an expert on walling off my emotions. Everyone feels that they know me, but I have this secret self that I keep hidden. My dear cousin recently said it best when, after a cast party, she told me “Chad, it’s like you are everyone’s friend, but nobody’s best friend.”

As we get closer to the apartment door, Erica grabs my hand. Four dates, and I haven’t held her hand yet. I told her on our last date, when I sensed she wanted that, that I move really slowly, and she’d told me that she was happy to take things slow. I feel anticipation from her tonight in greater waves, though. She’s expecting something. I feel that familiar pit in my stomach grow now.

I’m a great date. In high school, I pretty much always asked out girls I felt bad for. But lately, I’ve been asking out girls I’m intrigued by and interested in, girls that I could see making a good future wife. Even though I’m not physically attracted to them, I have found girls with attractive personalities, and girls I like emotionally. I’m always very attentive, funny, and fun. I plan out elaborate events and make meals and spoil my dates rotten.

We get closer to Erica’s door now and I feel my stomach pulse with anxiety. Erica, still holding my hand, turns to face me. She’s a bit shorter than me and has beautiful red hair. A few snow flakes rest lightly in her hair, and on the lashes above her beautiful blue eyes. She looks into my eyes and I can sense her heart racing, but it is for a completely different reason than mine is racing for.

“I had a wonderful time tonight.” I feel her clutch both of my hands now. She’s ready, and she’s telling me it is time now to kiss her.

I look away. I can’t meet her eyes. Can I do this? It’s just a kiss. I’m 23 years old now, and that is long enough to wait. A first kiss for me, but just a kiss. I like Erica, she likes me, it’s just a kiss. Any other guy would just lean in and kiss her right now. Do it,Chad! It’s just a kiss! A real man would maybe even make out with her. Then he’d tell all his friends about it.

“I had a nice time, too.” Did she sense the panic in my voice? Be careful, I tell myself, or she’ll know something is wrong.

Multiple times in acting roles I have hoped I can be cast as the leading man, not only so that I can prove that I’m a normal guy, but also because I want a chance to kiss the leading lady on stage, just to show I can do it. Then that bridge would be crossed and it would be easier for me to kiss a girl on a date, at least I hope.

I can’t do it, I can’t! I pull Erica in for a hug, releasing her hands and squeezing her shoulders briefly. “Thanks so much for coming out tonight.” I grab her hand in an awkward handshake, then, and begin to step back. My eyes catch hers again, and she looks shocked and saddened. She looks like I’ve rejected her. She must be feeling like she’s not desirable or something. Why can’t I desire her? I mutter another thanks and then begin walking quickly away.

I hear Erica’s door open as I move down the sidewalk. One of her roommates is waiting just inside, and I hear her excited chitter. “Did he do it, did he kiss you?” And then the door closes.

I reach my car. Erica’s response should have been, “Yes! He kissed me and it was magical!” Instead, I picture her running off to her room and crying out “No! What is wrong with me?”

I sit in the car for several minutes watching the snow fall. Rexburg is so cold in December. I hurt Erica tonight, and I didn’t mean to. I should run up to her door and tell her I’m sorry and then just kiss her. I’m going to have to do it some time if I ever want to get married, have a family, and do everything God expects of me. Why couldn’t I have just done it? I curse myself all the way home.

And I never call Erica again.

It’s months later when I get her wedding announcement.